I used to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, “Does she really like me?” Every single morning, evening, she was all I could think of.

I thought I was made for her and her for me.

We were a rare, unique, perfect fit.

Or maybe I read too much into this.

We could appreciate each other’s sense of humor immensely.

Knowing her was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn’t want to lose her.

Thus I rushed up things and tried to court her, but she said no.

And now it has taken almost two years, and I still do think of her, though with less intensity. I know I did stupid, stupid things but I still wonder, why did I fail?

I am trying to make a change, and here are ways I’m adopting so as to avoid being stupid.

I Don’t Spy Anymore.

This means limited access to her profiles (esp. WhatsApp).

Months ago I couldn’t help myself, I could daily check her status messages and when she’s online.

I was trying to win her back or find reasons to prove her wrong. But now what was the point?

What good will that have done to me? She was gone.

So I instituted measures to limit this.

I have made changes.

Since I was constantly thinking about her I was probably at about 20% capacity all the time.

So I’ve learnt to treat myself.

I have put myself in a completely different environment.

And now I even want to leave the town. I am making strong boundaries.

Forgiving myself.

I wrote angry messages and tried to argue with her.

I felt bad after that and it took a while before I could forgive myself.

I guess it was the humiliating feeling of being abandoned.

I am changing my wardrobe.

For the longest time, I have never cared much about how I dress.

I have always dressed shabbily and perhaps that contributed to her leaving.

I have worn suits only 3 times in my life.

My friends know I am a strong anti-tie champion.

But we don’t dress to impress ourselves. So I’m slowly changing my wardrobe.

I exercise daily.

This cleanses me. It gets the bad toxins out.

I have learnt it’s okay to feel the pain.

It was really nobody’s fault.

My brain was not just happy about it.

But it’s okey to feel the pain. It’ll come to pass.

It came to pass and I no longer fell much pain about it.

I’m being grateful daily.

I try to list things I am grateful today.

Why I am grateful for them.

The people I am grateful for.

This triggers the exact opposite emotions of the feelings of rejection that I feel once and again.

Life is short, and there is no point in being gloomy all day long.

I have adopted Ben Franklin’s mantra.

In in the morning, I ask myself “What Good Shall I Do This Day?”

In the evening, “What Good Have I Done Today?”

Have I Done Any Good?